Monday, May 10, 2010

I was wrong!

Just finished a conference call with two of my favorite people! Dear sweet friends... mighty women of God! Sometimes I want to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming on how much God has blessed me through the love of friendship. I mean, who would have thunk it? :)

I'm the person who once upon a time used to think that God didn't love me... that He didn't care about me... that I wasn't worth the time of day and He had rejected me. In my limited knowledge and understanding, I thought true love was sinking my teeth into hot fudge brownies after digging them out of the middle of the pan when it first comes out of the oven. (Don't knock it until you try it.) Or maybe love was beating my body into subjection by not eating that brownie and denying myself that comfort food. (Oh... the agony of that one.) Or maybe something altogether different. I was too busy looking for some thing or some person to give me the emotional fix I craved. Once I received what I desperately craved, I thought that was it. Life didn't get any better than that. I went from one emotional fix to another. Always seeking... always wanting... always looking for more.

I'm so thankful to say that I was wrong.

WOW... did I actually admit that? That felt funny coming through my fingers as I type this. I WAS WRONG. Ouch! That time it was in all caps. OK, OK... so maybe it's OK to admit I was wrong. Just not to my husband... the wife is always right! OK... most of the time I'm right... Some of the time? Every now and then? OK already... stop harassing me. I know what you're thinking... but I will say this, I'm right at least once every other month! Just don't tell my husband, he thinks I'm right 99% of the time. :)

In this case, I'm thrilled to say I was wrong. I had such an unhealthy and untrue view of the way God saw me for so many years, that it's a wonder I survived at all. I remember years ago screaming out my anger and pain at God and saying, "just kill me and get it over with will you? What are you waiting for???" Imagine that... He didn't listen to me.

Like so many, I grew up with a lot of hangups and ideas that God was unapproachable... untouchable... not interested in me as a person. I thought, "how could he possibly love a miserable, angry woman like me?" Little did I know how much God really did love me. But I was a tough cookie to crack. I had issues. I had secrets. I had pain. And I was pretty ticked at God for not rescuing me out of all my stuff growing up. I used to say some pretty hateful things to Him. I was pretty good at ignoring Him when He would reach out to me. I thought if I snubbed Him long enough He would repent for missing it so much with me. I wanted to punish Him for what I thought was Him hurting me. I wanted to hear Him say, "Oops. I missed it with you. I made a mistake. Please forgive me."

The truth is, I didn't understand... I know so many who still struggle in this area. It breaks my heart. But I didn't really know who God was either. If I had, instead of running away for so many years in my pain and anger, I would have run into His arms and allowed His love to fill me.

For more years than I can count I had this big empty, gaping hole in my heart that nothing could fill no matter how hard I tried. I sought love desperately... from people, from things. I was always looking for the latest emotional fix. Yet nothing filled it. No one could fill it... no thing could fill it. The truth is, in the back of my mind, I knew that God could. I did have that planted in me from the time I was a young child. But how could I possibly let Him when I had all this anger towards Him due to all the bad things that had happened to me growing up? Not even God Himself could possibly understand my hurt and pain. I felt rejected by Him... unloved.

It took many years of His constant reaching out to me and loving on me... many times through other people, that I finally began to understand. Through time, the hole in my heart He filled over and over again! Now it overflows daily with His love. And I have much to give to others in return. When you're filled up and overflowing, you hunger to give it away.

I found there is no quick fix. It takes time. No person can fill the hole. Only time spent with Him in prayer and through daily time in His Word reaches me in my innermost parts. In the secret places... in the empty places that cried out to be filled.

Let me tell you, when time with God becomes your "fix"... it doesn't get any better then that. You begin to crave it above everything this world has to offer. Trust me, I know. I tried so many things the world has to offer... and all of them fell flat. Time with Him? It's the true "ooh la la" in life. It quenches what nothing else can.

Because I'm a human, and God understands my human needs, He provides peeps... friends... family... people that I can love on and people who will love on me in return. Tonight I spent time with two of my dear friends. It was incredible! Many God moments throughout our conversation. I could never have experienced that kind of love if I had not finally turned to God to heal me of my anger, bitterness and pain.

When I was angry at Him, I couldn't receive His love. I thought He had rejected me, so I thought I had no choice but to reject Him as well. When I let go of the anger and embraced Him, the hole in my heart was filled. Now I run to Him... every day. He fulfills every need. Life doesn't get any better than this. I wouldn't go back to being that person again for any amount of money. Once you experience the fulfillment of knowing God personally and truly get a taste of His love for you, nothing on this earth even compares. It's the ONLY emotional fix that works.

Let me say it one more time: I was wrong! Three glorious words that show the power of how God can chance a hardened, bitter, angry woman and make her soft, yieldable and pliable to His love, Presence and power. They are proof of a VERY loving God!


So... I can gladly admit to being wrong about God... why is it so hard to admit to my husband when I'm wrong about him? It's a good thing it doesn't happen very often. ;-)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Stinkin Thinkin!

Yesterday, I walked 4 miles with a very dear friend. It felt AWESOME!!! I was invigorated physically, spiritually and also mentally. My mind was clear and I was enjoying the fresh, clean air.

During our walk we talked about fitness and eating healthy. Both of which are great subjects to discuss. We agreed that it wouldn't do us any good to exercise like this and go home and ruin it all by eating something unhealthy. So I left that walk feeling totally motivated and really great!

In fact, I felt so good, that after I soaked my aching body and blistered feet in a tub of hot, steamy water filled with bubbles, I had to celebrate my huge milestone by eating... are you ready for this??? Pizza!!! Mmmmmmmmmm!

Groan... What went wrong??? I was so focused. I was doing so good. Was it the thought of the Pepperoni pizza with hot melted cheese that did me in? Was it the idea of eating forbidden fruit? Or maybe it was knowing I had just burned a whole lot of calories, that I could afford the extra thousand calories that the pizza had in it. Even now, just thinking about it, my mouth is watering. I can almost taste it as I sit here and meditate on how good it was.

Why, oh why does pizza have to be so good? If it tasted awful, I wouldn't crave it! And further more, why does it have to be so fattening? Can't they create an all you can eat buffet of low calorie pizza that is no more than 25 calories per slice? I could eat an entire pizza and only consume 200 calories!!! When is someone going to create that? Well... until they do, I'm just going to have to live with and justify my pizza cravings and try not to give in TOO much.

It's amazing how we can justify things. We all do it. When we want something, we go for it... and justify it in our mind of why it's ok to give in to whatever that "forbidden fruit" is for us in our lives. Yesterday, mine was pizza... but everyday it's something different. There is always that "something" that makes me want to justify in my mind why it's ok to go for it. (On Sunday mornings, it's shortbread cookies that are to die for!!! I have an evil friend that tempts me with them every Sunday just because I beg her to make them... Thank you God for my friend! :)

You know, if I had spent more time thinking about God and meditating on Scripture than I had dreaming of that first bite of pizza, I might be one pound less today.

Discipline is tough. Staying on the course is even tougher... especially through temptation. One thing I have learned, this saying really is true, "a moment on the lips is a life time on the hips". Gaining weight is so much easier than losing it. I'm sure there is an extra dimple somewhere on me that was created by that pizza. After all, I didn't stop at one slice.

But the saying is also true, "a moment in the mind, is a lifetime in a bind"! (That's a debism... just made that up. :) What we think on and continuously dwell on, is what we'll end up creating in our own lives. We'll eat the fruit of what consumes us.

If I dwell on pizza, and the need for it eventually consumes me, I'll end up giving in and dimples in all the wrong places will follow. (And no, I'm NOT posting dimple pictures.) If I dwell on mouth watering scrumptious shortbread cookies, the numbers on my weight scales will get higher and higher.

What about in other areas? What consumes you? What do you dwell on the most? Is it things? Money? Possessions? If we always dwell on all the things we don't have, we'll always feel empty and unfulfilled. We'll always be wanting more... and we'll never learn contentment in where we are at any given time.

BUT, if we dwell on God's love, we'll begin to experience it more and more in our lives. If we dwell on God's truths, we'll begin to believe and see great things happening. And, this is my favorite part, if we dwell on God and trust Him with who we are, we won't have to worry about the scales... temptations... and other things designed to pull us off track. Because our thoughts will begin to align themselves with His thoughts. Our desires, with His desires... Our will with His will. He's so much better at providing direction to our lives than we will ever be. And it only takes a small amount of faith... "pinky finger faith."

So the next time I'm dwelling on pizza and you hear about it, feel free to remind me that life is so much bigger than that pizza craving or that favorite cookie. (Unless it's a Sunday morning and I'm REALLY craving them big time!) OK, OK, those times as well. It really is all about the God that loves us so much! It's time to not dwell on food, things, money, our own wants and desires... but instead on the Big G! God Himself!

I suppose it's time to remove those two boxes of Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Brownie mixes from my pantry. Help! I may need some intervention! :)

"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." Phil 4:8

"...And the God of peace will be with you." Phil 4:9b



Monday, April 19, 2010

Getting a Grip!

Don't you just hate it when someone says "get a grip"? Maybe they're saying it in a sarcastic way... or maybe they're just being mean. Either way, it's not pleasant terminology.

However... recently, I had to tell myself to "get a grip". Which made me quite annoyed at myself. I knew I was right, but didn't want to accept it. (I know, I know... that will twist your brain up in a knot if you think too much about it. :)

Saturday night I was trying to be "oh so spiritual" and write here in this blog. Had what I thought was profound and moving thoughts from my day. But my computer kept messing up. It was doing really strange things. When I asked my husband for help, he said it wasn't the computer, it was this website. Now of course that was NOT what I wanted to hear. I can't fix the website, but I can ask him to fix my computer. But he wasn't going for it... and I was convinced it was a computer issue.

I know what you're thinking, he probably knows what he's talking about. Well that's true. But it's never true if I'm mad. Only I know what I'm talking about when I'm trying to prove a point or let him know I'm quite upset or angry. Ladies, can I get a witness??? We're so caught up in how we feel, that's all we can see, right? I'm sure there must be some kind of justification for that in the Bible somewhere.

OK, maybe not. Suffice it to say, my husband has had years of practice with my frustration over computers and software. It just isn't my cup of tea. I suppose I'm not as patient as I should be. OK, OK! If I'm going to be honest, I'm not even close to being patient when it comes to computers. They frustrate the bajeezers out of me.

So there I sat, Saturday night, angry at my computer for not working right... angry at my husband for not catering to my angry whim and running to the rescue to fix my problem... and angry at myself because I was trying to be "oh so spiritual" and write a blog and couldn't think of anything positive that could be put into print at that particular moment. Imagine trying to write something uplifting when your stomach is in knots due to turbulent emotions.

So... I told myself to "get a grip". It's all I could do. I shut down my computer (it was either that or toss it across the room), and let it go. Asking God to forgive me for my lack of humility and my husband to forgive me for not accepting what he was saying, was the next step. Thankfully, he takes my frustration with computers all in stride. He's a very patient man.

After I made my peace, I decided to call it a night. All those emotions are exhausting. But don't you know, of all mornings, and of all subjects for my pastor to teach on the following day, he had to choose "Anger". I couldn't help but laugh at that one. Of COURSE God wasn't through with me yet.

When you trust God in the little things... in your anger, in your frustration over a computer... in how you feel at any given moment... and don't put off taking care of business with Him or those around you, He really will meet all your needs. He does it in such a loving and caring way that sometimes, even when it's a negative emotion that you are dealing with at the moment, it'll make you laugh.

I needed to be reminded to step back when I'm about ready to throw my computer out the window due to its lack of conformity to my will. I needed to remember to not let it get the best of me. After all, it's JUST a computer.

He's such a great God. We all get angry... but He knows how to best reach us right where we are. Right in the middle of how we feel... right when we need Him most. When we reach out to Him, He's always there. I slept well Saturday night because I chose not to carry my frustration or emotions to bed with me. I dealt with my own heart and then let it go.

But I can't help but be reminded of how when we press in to God... when we REALLY press in to God... He is always there for us. Ready to comfort and heal when we need it most.

The first step is ours. It's pressing in. That's our choice. God will always honor and follow through on His part. It's up to us to take the first step by yielding our will and emotions, with humility, to Him. It isn't always easy... but to live fulfilled and at peace, it's necessary.

Check out Proverbs 2:1-8 when you get a chance. They are life-changing words!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Mac Attack!

Why is it so hard to resist a Big Mac when you're feeling stressed and tired? Tonight I gave in! As I savored each bite of my scrumptious and tasty Big Mac, and as I sampled and munched on hot, fresh, crisp and salty fries... I couldn't help but wonder, what is it that made me give in to the Big Mac urge when I'm trying so hard to eat healthy and stay fit?

I'm sure you're thinking... maybe I deserved it. It was probably a stressful day or a stressful week. If that's what you're thinking, you would be correct! I'm supposed to leave for Israel the day after tomorrow. But due to a volcano eruption in Iceland, there is ash in the air. So my overseas flight might be canceled. Meaning, no dream trip to explore Israel. OK... so that can cause a wee bit of stress.

What about the chocolate shake that I had to have to go with my Big Mac? My oh my... it was good too! That one was easy to justify. There has been some upheaval with my husband's job. They love him so much that they want him in more management positions... OVERSEAS! I intensely dislike being apart from him for months on end. I'm sure you can understand the stress that can potentially cause.

OK, OK... I confess. I also had an apple pie! It was SO good... I was STUFFED, but it was SO good! I made myself eat it. (Trust me, it wasn't that hard.) What can I say? Finances have been tight lately. No money for any extras. (A Big Mac, since it is food, isn't an extra, is it?) I've been feeling the crunch this week with it being tax week. OK... so tight finances can cause some additional stress.

It's really quite simple. Stress + comfort food = peace... right?

Hmmm...let's be real. Instead of using a small amount of pinky finger faith and turning to God for my comfort, I used a lot of ten finger faith as I picked up my Big Mac, (it takes both hands), my fries, (each finger loves the feel of them), my chocolate shake, (I have to wash it all down), and my apple pie. (What's a great meal without a great dessert?) I attempted to relieve my stress and get my comfort from the food. Isn't that what comfort food is all about?


Helloooo... it didn't work.

As I contemplate the misery of a gurgling stomach, I feel stuffed, bloated and my fingers are already puffy and swollen from all the salt on the fries. If only I had gone for a small fry. I'm sure that would have made a BIG difference. But, I needed extra comfort.

So, as I sit here on the couch, moaning over how ill I feel... feeling guilty for eating unhealthy junk food, I finally did what I should have done in the very beginning.
"OK God... here I am again. I need peace and comfort from you. Only you. The Big Mac didn't work. I choose to trust you with our future and I know you are guiding our steps. I have faith in you to lead us no matter what!"

YES! Peace at last! It's amazing how many times we know better, but choose not to do better. So we do one more lap around that same mountain in our life. Isn't it great that God is so patient with us?

I think next time I'm going to shoot for reminding myself BEFORE the urge takes over, that comfort food doesn't change anything. (Other than my waistline!) Turning to God and using my Pinky Finger Faith changes everything!


"You didn't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I assure you, if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." Matthew 17: 20, 21 NLT