I was wrong!

Just finished a conference call with two of my favorite people! Dear sweet friends... mighty women of God! Sometimes I want to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming on how much God has blessed me through the love of friendship. I mean, who would have thunk it? :)

I'm the person who once upon a time used to think that God didn't love me... that He didn't care about me... that I wasn't worth the time of day and He had rejected me. In my limited knowledge and understanding, I thought true love was sinking my teeth into hot fudge brownies after digging them out of the middle of the pan when it first comes out of the oven. (Don't knock it until you try it.) Or maybe love was beating my body into subjection by not eating that brownie and denying myself that comfort food. (Oh... the agony of that one.) Or maybe something altogether different. I was too busy looking for some thing or some person to give me the emotional fix I craved. Once I received what I desperately craved, I thought that was it. Life didn't get any better than that. I went from one emotional fix to another. Always seeking... always wanting... always looking for more.

I'm so thankful to say that I was wrong.

WOW... did I actually admit that? That felt funny coming through my fingers as I type this. I WAS WRONG. Ouch! That time it was in all caps. OK, OK... so maybe it's OK to admit I was wrong. Just not to my husband... the wife is always right! OK... most of the time I'm right... Some of the time? Every now and then? OK already... stop harassing me. I know what you're thinking... but I will say this, I'm right at least once every other month! Just don't tell my husband, he thinks I'm right 99% of the time. :)

In this case, I'm thrilled to say I was wrong. I had such an unhealthy and untrue view of the way God saw me for so many years, that it's a wonder I survived at all. I remember years ago screaming out my anger and pain at God and saying, "just kill me and get it over with will you? What are you waiting for???" Imagine that... He didn't listen to me.

Like so many, I grew up with a lot of hangups and ideas that God was unapproachable... untouchable... not interested in me as a person. I thought, "how could he possibly love a miserable, angry woman like me?" Little did I know how much God really did love me. But I was a tough cookie to crack. I had issues. I had secrets. I had pain. And I was pretty ticked at God for not rescuing me out of all my stuff growing up. I used to say some pretty hateful things to Him. I was pretty good at ignoring Him when He would reach out to me. I thought if I snubbed Him long enough He would repent for missing it so much with me. I wanted to punish Him for what I thought was Him hurting me. I wanted to hear Him say, "Oops. I missed it with you. I made a mistake. Please forgive me."

The truth is, I didn't understand... I know so many who still struggle in this area. It breaks my heart. But I didn't really know who God was either. If I had, instead of running away for so many years in my pain and anger, I would have run into His arms and allowed His love to fill me.

For more years than I can count I had this big empty, gaping hole in my heart that nothing could fill no matter how hard I tried. I sought love desperately... from people, from things. I was always looking for the latest emotional fix. Yet nothing filled it. No one could fill it... no thing could fill it. The truth is, in the back of my mind, I knew that God could. I did have that planted in me from the time I was a young child. But how could I possibly let Him when I had all this anger towards Him due to all the bad things that had happened to me growing up? Not even God Himself could possibly understand my hurt and pain. I felt rejected by Him... unloved.

It took many years of His constant reaching out to me and loving on me... many times through other people, that I finally began to understand. Through time, the hole in my heart He filled over and over again! Now it overflows daily with His love. And I have much to give to others in return. When you're filled up and overflowing, you hunger to give it away.

I found there is no quick fix. It takes time. No person can fill the hole. Only time spent with Him in prayer and through daily time in His Word reaches me in my innermost parts. In the secret places... in the empty places that cried out to be filled.

Let me tell you, when time with God becomes your "fix"... it doesn't get any better then that. You begin to crave it above everything this world has to offer. Trust me, I know. I tried so many things the world has to offer... and all of them fell flat. Time with Him? It's the true "ooh la la" in life. It quenches what nothing else can.

Because I'm a human, and God understands my human needs, He provides peeps... friends... family... people that I can love on and people who will love on me in return. Tonight I spent time with two of my dear friends. It was incredible! Many God moments throughout our conversation. I could never have experienced that kind of love if I had not finally turned to God to heal me of my anger, bitterness and pain.

When I was angry at Him, I couldn't receive His love. I thought He had rejected me, so I thought I had no choice but to reject Him as well. When I let go of the anger and embraced Him, the hole in my heart was filled. Now I run to Him... every day. He fulfills every need. Life doesn't get any better than this. I wouldn't go back to being that person again for any amount of money. Once you experience the fulfillment of knowing God personally and truly get a taste of His love for you, nothing on this earth even compares. It's the ONLY emotional fix that works.

Let me say it one more time: I was wrong! Three glorious words that show the power of how God can chance a hardened, bitter, angry woman and make her soft, yieldable and pliable to His love, Presence and power. They are proof of a VERY loving God!


So... I can gladly admit to being wrong about God... why is it so hard to admit to my husband when I'm wrong about him? It's a good thing it doesn't happen very often. ;-)